My Essay.. halfway done.

[wickedrodent]

Ok, so im writing an essay for Comp and Rhetoric.. and Ive revised it about 20 times, changing the subject twice.. and I need some input.. My grandparents are biased.. Its not done.. Ill post what I have so far, and post the completed version later on.. Please given opinions.. tear me apart if it sucks.. I need advise.

Are you abusive?
​

Think of the ones you love, and feel how much you love them. Picture them locked up in a tiny, dirty room the size of a closet. Day after day, only being fed the same thing, and never being allowed to grow, or thrive. The few times they are allowed out, their pleasure is disrupted by reckless ‘handlers’ that mistreat them. Now picture a guinea pig living under the same conditions; is it any less horrifying?

If you were witnessing this, would you recognize and stop it? That’s the problem; as a society in general we see it all the time, and do nothing about it. If it was sitting right in front of you, you still wouldn’t know it was wrong. Abuse, not only applies to people, but to animals as well. All animals can be abused, but one of the main animals that no one ever seems to think about are guinea pigs. No, they aren’t disgusting, and vicious creatures. They are as loving and sweet as humans; and have just been lost in the shuffle. There is no reason great enough that should allow them to be subjected to the abuse they receive daily; it should be illegal.

If you think that guinea pigs aren’t smart enough to know what kind of housing they are kept; your wrong. It has been proven that they live longer, happier lived when kept indoors in large, roomy cages. According to that line of thought, the same should be said for mentally ill children. Just because their minds work slower, doesn’t give you the right to lock them up and not think twice about their well being! It’s the same way for animals. Proper care is not hard to achieve; all you need is the correct source of information. According to www.guineapigcages.com the appropriate size cage for two guinea pigs (they are best kept with a same sex or 'fixed' buddy) is 10.5 square feet, which is only about 30" x 50. Not a lot when you think about a house to human ratio.

You have probably heard about the animal overpopulation problem on the news, or a website, telling you to spay and neuter your pets. Have you ever thought of what goes on beyond your screen? Guinea pigs are dumped and killed all the due to lack of space, and unfit owners.

Are you going to let the guinea pigs you know suffer the same fate as the many before them? Its not hard to provide proper housing, food, and care once you have the correct information. Using this paper as a guide, you can help them live a happy, healthy life

 

[pigsforlife]

That is fantastic! Well said, put together nicely and everything flows. I can't think of any suggestions what so ever. I can't wait to see the final piece, what are else are you going to add? Over all, a good job so far.:cheerful:

 

[TrekkiePiggies]

OK. I'm gonna pretend I'm an English teacher and dissect your essay. It's an excellent start, and hopefully I can help you polish it up a bit. None of what I have written is meant to be insulting, demeaning, or belittling. I just want to help you out since help is what you asked for. Best of luck!

Are you abusive?​

Good title. Shock value is often your friend in persuasive writing.
​

reckless ‘handlers’ that mistreat them.

Nix the quote marks around the word "handlers." It's not proper use of quotation marks, even though it's popular to use them that way. They are handlers, not quote-un-quote handlers.

That’s the problem; as a society in general we see it all the time...

Try to avoid contractions if you are trying for a polished, authoritative tone. If you're going for casual, contractions are great, and they appeal to casual readers, but they do not lend as much authority to your tone.

If it was sitting right in front of you, you still wouldn’t know it was wrong.

I'd re-word this sentence. What is "it" in this context? You have to re-read it to understand.

...but one of the main animals that no one ever seems to think about are guinea pigs.

Avoid absolutes.

No, they aren’t disgusting, and vicious creatures.

Drop the "and."

They are as loving and sweet as humans;

This just seems a little too lovey-dovey-fluffy. I've known some pretty vicious humans.

There is no reason great enough that should allow them to be subjected to the abuse they receive daily; it should be illegal.

Two things here. "No reason great enough" just does not flow well. Try out some other, stronger words. Also, change the semicolon to a period. It should be illegal, period. It has more impact that way.

If you think that guinea pigs aren’t smart enough to know what kind of housing they are kept; your wrong.

"Your" is singular possessive. "You're" is the contraction of ""you are."

It has been proven that they live longer, happier lived when kept indoors in large, roomy cages.

Time for some sources. Without sources, no one will believe you.

According to that line of thought, the same should be said for mentally ill children.

Perhaps "mentally handicapped" is what you meant here. I've been a mentally ill child, and my mind wasn't slow. Also, comparing mentally handicapped children to animals is really rather insulting to the children. I'd take out this comparison altogether if it was me.

Just because their minds work slower, doesn’t give you the right to lock them up and not think twice about their well being!

In my experience, exclamation points should only ever be used in dialogue or personal communications. A period is much more reasonable and lays out the facts without emotion.

Proper care is not hard to achieve; all you need is the correct source of information.

Precisely! Now make sure you have several good sources in addition to GPC.

(they are best kept with a same sex or 'fixed' buddy)

I'd take out "fixed" and write "neutered," unless you are trying for a casual tone.

Not a lot when you think about a house to human ratio.

This is a sentence fragment. It does flow well and makes an excellent point, but I'd try to re-arrange it to make a complete sentence if you're going to have to turn this in for a grade.

You have probably heard about the animal overpopulation problem on the news, or a website, telling you to spay and neuter your pets. Have you ever thought of what goes on beyond your screen? Guinea pigs are dumped and killed all the due to lack of space, and unfit owners.

What "goes on beyond your screen" is a little unclear here. If it was me, I'd add another sentence like "The pet overpopulation problem is not limited just to cats and dogs" in between "...beyond your screen? Guinea pigs..."

Are you going to let the guinea pigs you know suffer the same fate as the many before them? Its not hard to provide proper housing, food, and care once you have the correct information. Using this paper as a guide, you can help them live a happy, healthy life

Good way to end it! Pull at their heartstrings, but also let them know what they can do to help. Many persuasive writers forget the last bit, and their audience goes away sad, confused, and hopeless. Make sure to get some good sources in there for people to check!

 

[wickedrodent]

Thank you Trekkie, that was VERY helpful!

I revised and added a bit more, but am still about 150 words from the minimum. Its due tomorrow.. or tonight rather.. since its 1am.

Are you abusive?

Think of the ones you love, and feel how much you love them. Picture them locked up in a tiny, dirty room the size of a closet. Day after day, only being fed the same thing, and never being allowed to grow, or thrive. The few times they are allowed out, their pleasure is disrupted by reckless handlers that mistreat them. Now picture a guinea pig living under the same conditions. Is it any less horrifying? If you were witnessing it, would you recognize and stop it? As a society in general we see it all the time, and do nothing about it. If a suffering animal was sitting right in front of you, you still wouldn’t know it was wrong. Abuse, not only applies to people, but to animals as well. All animals can be abused, but one of the main animals that people need to become educated on is guinea pigs. No, they aren’t disgusting, vicious creatures; but their true personalities have just been lost in the shuffle. There is nothing that should allow animals to be subjected to the abuse they receive daily. Animal abuse should be illegal.

Contrary to what you might believe, guinea pigs are also not good pets for small children; as they can easily mishandle and injure them. They are very delicate, and need to be handled with care. Guinea pigs aren’t toys, and shouldn’t be adopted or purchased any purpose except to be treated as a member of the family. However, according to Index of /, if you family includes children, it is possible to have them co-exist together without harm being inflicted. Never let a child hold or play with a guinea pig unattended; that’s just asking for trouble. Dogs and cats can pose another problem, so you should have the cage up out of reach, and keep a lid on it at all times..

If you think that guinea pigs aren’t smart enough to know what kind of housing they are kept in; you’re wrong. According to www.guineapigcages.com guinea pigs live longer, happier, and healthier lives when kept indoors in large, roomy cages. Proper housing is not hard to achieve; all you need is the correct source of information. The appropriate size cage for two guinea pigs (they are best kept with a same sex or neutered companion) is 10.5 square feet. That is only about 30" x 50; its not a lot when you think about a house to human ratio.

You have probably heard about the animal overpopulation problem on the news or a website, telling you to spay and neuter your pets. Have you ever thought of what goes on beyond your screen? The pet overpopulation problem is not limited just to cats and dogs. Guinea pigs are dumped and killed all the due to lack of space, and unfit owners. You should not breed guinea pigs, or buy from breeders; it will only contribute to the number of them that are abused, and eventually killed. A female guinea pig has a twenty percent chance of dying during pregnancy. There is no reason to risk her life, when there are countless numbers of guinea pigs up for adoption worldwide.

Are you going to let the guinea pigs you know suffer the same fate as the many before them? Its not hard to provide proper housing, food, and care once you have the correct information. Using this paper as a guide, you can help them live a happy, healthy life. You need to stand up and make a difference; the more people that get involved, the better chance we can do something to help stop the abuse.

I don't know if thats any better.

 

[pigsforlife]

Just a couple of questions. Is this your the whole essay? Have you thought about including pet stores? You talked about breeders but did not mention the horrible conditions pet store guinea pigs are kept in, how buying from a pet store contributes to the over population and how pet store guinea pigs are often pregnant, sick and mis-sexed.

 

[wickedrodent]

Its not finished..

The problem is.. its supposed to be pursasive, but it seems if I add too many things, the main thought will become jumbled.. Actually im already feeling that way, and don't want to get marked off for it..

Im probably going to add horrible pet store conditions as a secondary abuse from the breeders.. Yeah, ill do that. Im having to blast music to keep awake, but I.. must... finish.. I need to keep telling myself that.

 

[wickedrodent]

WOOHOO! 755 words. Thats 5 over the minimum. I think im done for tonight..

Are you abusive?

Think of the ones you love, and feel how much you love them. Picture them locked up in a tiny, dirty room the size of a closet. Day after day, only being fed the same thing, and never being allowed to grow, or thrive. The few times they are allowed out, their pleasure is disrupted by reckless handlers that mistreat them. Now picture a guinea pig living under the same conditions. Is it any less horrifying? If you were witnessing it, would you recognize and stop it? As a society in general we see it all the time, and do nothing about it. We are so uneducated about abuse, even if a suffering animal was sitting right in front of us, we still wouldn’t know it was wrong. Abuse, not only applies to people, but to animals as well. All animals can be abused, but one of the main animals that people need to become educated on is guinea pigs. No, they are not disgusting, vicious creatures; but along the way, their true personalities have been lost in the shuffle. There is nothing that should allow animals to be subjected to the abuse they receive daily. Animal abuse should be illegal.

Contrary to what you might believe, guinea pigs are definitely not good pets for small children; as they can easily mishandle and injure them. They are very delicate, and need to be handled with care. Guinea pigs aren’t toys, and shouldn’t be adopted or purchased for any purpose except to be treated as a member of the family. According to Index of /, if you family includes children, it is possible to have them co-exist together without harm being inflicted. Although, a child should never be the main care giver. Never let a child hold or play with a guinea pig unattended; that is just asking for trouble. Since dogs and cats can pose another problem, you should have the cage up out of reach, and keep a lid on it at all times. Mostly, you can find a solution to any of these problems if you put some effort behind it.


If you think that guinea pigs aren’t smart enough to know what kind of housing they are kept in; you’re wrong. According to www.guineapigcages.com guinea pigs live longer, happier, and healthier lives when kept indoors in large, roomy cages. Proper housing is not hard to achieve; all you need is the correct source of information. The appropriate size cage for two guinea pigs (they are best kept with a same sex or neutered companion) is 10.5 square feet. That is only about 30" x 50; its not a lot when you think about a house to human ratio.

You have probably heard about the animal overpopulation problem on the news or a website, telling you to spay and neuter your pets. Have you ever thought of what goes on beyond your screen? The pet overpopulation problem is not limited just to cats and dogs. Guinea pigs are dumped and killed all the due to lack of space, and unfit owners. You should not breed guinea pigs, or buy from breeders; it will only contribute to the number of them that are abused, and eventually killed. A female guinea pig has a twenty percent chance of dying during pregnancy. There is no reason to risk her life, when there are countless numbers of guinea pigs up for adoption worldwide.

In addition to breeders, pet stores are another main factor in overpopulation and abuse. They are just another place for breeders to make money off of animals pain and suffering. You can go into any petsmart or petco and see first hand the poor care they are receiving. The housing, diet, and health are all horrible; most live sourly on pellets, and are crammed together into 1' x 2' cages. Half that come in are pregnant and sick, while the other half catch the diseases and die while there. Once again, why would you contribute to that?
Are you going to let the guinea pigs you know suffer the same fate as the many before them? Its not hard to provide proper housing, food, and care once you have the correct information. Using this paper as a guide, you can help them live a happy, healthy life. You need to stand up and make a difference; the more people that get involved, the better chance we can do something to help stop the abuse.

 

[TrekkiePiggies]

Glad to help! I think you made a lot of improvements, and your tone is much more authoritative now. It'll make people listen and think.

Are you going to let the guinea pigs you know suffer the same fate as the many before them? Its not hard to provide proper housing, food, and care once you have the correct information. Using this paper as a guide, you can help them live a happy, healthy life.

You've talked about housing and care, but how about food? You might be able to get some of those 150 words taken care of by talking about inappropriate diets, petstore treats, etc...

Good luck and keep the coffee flowin'!

 

[TrekkiePiggies]

Whoops! We posted at the same time.

That's a great essay! I'd skim it over once more for punctuation (this is the easiest mistake to miss) after you've taken a break. The only two punctuation issues I noticed were on the cage measurements, you didn't add the second inch (") abbreviation, and there were two semicolons that should have been commas in these sentences:

"Contrary to what you might believe, guinea pigs are definitely not good pets for small children; as they can easily mishandle and injure them."

"If you think that guinea pigs aren’t smart enough to know what kind of housing they are kept in; you’re wrong."

Other than those nitpicky punctuation issues, it's an excellent piece of work and will hopefully help people to think a little harder about the guinea pig problem!

 

[jilovecavies]

Looks good, wicked. Trekkie, thank you for those great suggestions-I had the same exact thoughts, but I'm a stickler for grammar.

Good luck, wicked...I'd edit it a wee bit if I had time but I have to do that whole "grown-up" "work" thing...blah.

 

[TX_2_Pigs]

Great paper Wicked. I would help you with some editing too but I see you aren't online at the moment and not sure if you would get this before you turned your paper in or not.

Let us know your grade.

 

[wickedrodent]

Thanks all. The paper is due tonight before midnight (we have to turn it in online) *yawns* Im still tired. lol

 

[Alusdra]

If you're still editing, this part is awkward.

but one of the main animals that people need to become educated on is guinea pigs

Instead, perhaps say something like 'people usually think of abuse w/ dogs, cats, but don't realize that gps...' etc. Since you are saying that abuse, broadly, is wrong, mention of other animals might be good. Might also muddy things... but either way, the phrasing on that sentence is a little wonky.

Otherwise- great job!

 

[Jenni_Feathers]

I think everyone basically has all the improvements covered, I love it, I wrote a How to Speech on how to PROPERLY care for Guinea Pigs last year for my speech class and it was no where as good as yours, I wish I had hit many of the points you did, I dint even think of them, o well whats done is done lol. I'm just blabbering but the point of this post is Good Job! I bet your gonna get a great grade on it!

 

[wickedrodent]

Thank you =)

Im revising a few things one more time, and then sending it in.. Ill be sure to let everyone know what I made.

 

[wickedrodent]

WOOHOO! I got a 95!! Thank you everyone who helped me!

 

[pigsforlife]

Congratulations! :hug:

 

[cavy-cool-crazy]

Congrats! I think it turned out awesome, really a job well done.

 

[Jenni_Feathers]

Thats awesome! well done. resent:

 

[wickedrodent]

Thank you. =)