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I don't know what to do...

fairysari

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I am now in a huge fight with my boyfriend and I have no idea what to do. I've been bawling my eyes out since last night, I slept on the couch while he slept in bed, and don;t even know who to talk to about it.... I hope you guys don't mind me venting and can mauybe offer some advice.

We've been together almost two years, and have lived together for the past year. I'm 24 and he's 29. We went camping the weekend of the 22nd, to a music festival with about 500 people, and lots of friends. We camped with a friend of my boyfriend and his girlfriend, and everything was great until I woke up in my tent Monday morning to hear his friend ragging on me for still being asleep, and saying that he should drive the cars away so that when I get up I think everyone abandoned me (really nice since I was adopted and have deep abandonment issues...). I waited for those 'friends' to leave before I got up, I just couldn;t face them. I'm a sensitive person, and especially after a weekend of drinking, I couldn;t handle it. The BF and I got into a big fight about it, and he was very insensitive.

Now I would have no problem not seeing this 'friend' of his ever again, but we have tickets to a concert tonight, and unless this is resolved somehow, I refused to go hang out with this friend and pretend like nothing was wrong. The BF never really stuck up for me when his friend was talking crap about me, and still hasn't. He just made plans to go to the concert without me. He left for work, took the ticvkets and packed a bag, and left me, after a night of arguing... never even bothered to tell me until last night. I begged him all last night to just be loving and caring, and I don;t know what to do. He left for work this morning in the middle of me bawling and asking him to do something about it... he was so cold and mean, he called me stupid, psychotic, he flipped me off..... And he kept making excuses abotu why he wouldn't call his friend to talk about it last night

I don;t know what to do... We moved to a small town together where we barely know anyone, and I don;t have anyone to call.... I've been calling his cell all morningsince he left (almost half an hour ago, that how long it takes him to get to work), and he won;t answer

Wait he finally answered... he said he's going to call the firend and call me back... I don;t know what to think... he was so mean and cruel to me... and the whole arguement all I did was ask him to be there for me, to stick up for me, and to be caring, and he just kept pushing all my buttons that he knew would make me feel worse. I have no idea what to do now... when he left this morning he made it seem like he was leaving for good...

Is it really too much to ask to have my partner stick up for me when I'm not there? Am I wrong to think that the man who supposedly loves me should be my biggest advocate? I don;t know what to do....

Thanks for letting me vent... I guess I feel like I know you guys just from reading all your posts... and advice would be appreciated.... I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't stand up for me...
 

fairysari

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Well he called his friend who apologized and said that he was already thinking about it, wondered if i heard, and felt bad.

Now if only my boyfriend would apologise too....:melodrama

On the bright side, I discovered that one of my piggies is a licker during lap time this morning. Maybe he was just trying to cheer me up... I think it worked. I guess I'll have to search around to see why else he might like licking my hands.

Even if no one responds, it was still therapeutic to get that all out. I don't know what I (or my piggies!) would do without this place.
 

jdomans

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The first thing I hear in your post is that you are way to dependent on him. Sweetie I am saying this as one who is now 51 and learning to take care of myself and put myself first. You need to start building a life for yourself void of what others might think about you. I am approaching a possible crossroads where I may have to make the choice over where I work and it might not be here. The choice is moving away from my granddaughter and children and family. My instructor is encouraging me to put myself first. I also encourage you to do the same. Don't end up like I was at age 49 and divorced and starting my life for the first time.
What am I saying? You read and decide for yourself. Be strong.

Pig licks are great. Polly is the only one of my crew that does that.
 

fairysari

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Thanks for responding. I don't expect him to fight my battles for me - it's just that in this situation, as far as everyone knew, I was asleep, which I figure is equivalent to not being there. And if his friends are going to talk crap about me when I'm not there, THAT is when I expect him to stand up for me. Not laugh along with them at their jokes at my expense.

I've been in a relationship before where I found myself dependent on my partner, and I can assure you that this is completely different. There's little things that I do differently now, that mean a lot, but it's hard to explain. Very early in our relationship, if we'd go to one of these festivals together, I'd probably try to hang around him a lot, but now that isn't the case at all - this past one I just did what I wanted, hung out with my friends, and let him get all drunk and do what he wanted. And until the very last morning, we both had a great time. Does that make sense? I decided on my own that I was moving to this town, to go to the school I wanted to go to. He didn't decided he was moving here until he stayed and didn't leave for a few weeks. Now I am planning on moving to go to a different, better, school, in a bigger citywhere I know more people, and will be much happier (I'm a big city girl stuck in a small college town over the summer...), and I'm doing it for me. I guess I'm just lucky that he wants to come with me. After the last relationship, i spent a fair amount of time single, taking care of myself, and also deciding exactly what I was looking for in a partner, and knew I wouldn't settle for less. Craig is all those things I was looking for, we're just really bad at not letting arguments escalate.

Now that it's been a few hours and my head is a lot clearer, I can see that our biggest problem is just the way we fight. He gets frustrated, and loses control of what he says, and winds up saying some really hurtful things. Then I ask him to stop saying mean things, and he'll make some REALLY sarcastic "nice" comment. And I know (now, when I'm thinking rationally) the best thing to do is to walk away and let things calm down, but in the heat of the argument I can't do it. We're both Tauruses, and very typical stubborn, bull-headed ones. The argument starts about one thing (his friend being a bumhole), and then we wind up just fighting because neither one of us is big enough to just be the first one to stop, and the original reason for the fight is lost.

The thing is, I know he'll come home and apologize, and we'll work it out. Any suggestions on how not to let silly arguments turn in to big fights might be nice though...
 

JarBax

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As a fellow taurean, I know exactly where you're coming from!!! I am glad you're feeling better, and can now see a light at the end of the tunnel! :cheerful: Perhaps one of the things you could converse about in the making up process, is how you can BOTH stop the 'silly arguments' escalating - maybe airing the subject will banish some of it's power?
 

BabyGrl

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Was the friend being mean spirited when he said it or was it more of a joke? I only ask because it sounds like somehting I would say if someone was still sleeping. Not to say it to be mean but just to try and make a joke of the situation. Your man definitly seemed to over react to the situation but maybe it was because the conversation was more in jest than being serious.
Anyhow I hope everything workd out for you guys. I know how much it sucks to be fighting with your man.
 

smoot

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Learning how to fight "correctly" is one of the most important things to do if you want your relationship to survive. And this means that BOTH of you have to fight "fair" - it's pointless if one of you doesn't follow the guidelines.

1. No namecalling

2. No sarcasm

3. Don't bring up bad things that he/she has done in the past. Address only the current situation.

4. Do not use "never" or "always". No one likes to be accused of always/never doing something, and it's usually untrue anyway.

5. Don't shout.

6. No walking away. You can agree (together) to continue later if tempers are flaring but no one is allowed to storm off.

7. Remember that you are fighting to resolve an issue, not to "win".

I read about these in a magazine years ago, and these are rules that I follow when I've had disagreements with my boyfriend. It seems to work for us, and I hope it works for you.
 

Susan9608

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I'm sorry you had such a terrible fight that made you feel so bad. :( I'm glad you're feeling better now.


He gets frustrated, and loses control of what he says, and winds up saying some really hurtful things. Then I ask him to stop saying mean things, and he'll make some REALLY sarcastic "nice" comment

I hate to read things like this. Disagreeing and arguing are natural and normal; being cruel and mean is not. It is never okay for someone to say mean and hurtful things to you on purpose. You should never have to beg someone to be loving and caring, and you shouldn't have to ask someone to stop saying mean things to you. Please be careful and watch out for yourself because fighting that way is not okay.

You're better than that; you deserve better than that. :)
 

fairysari

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Thanks everyone!

babgygirl: The friend was joking, and is usually a nice guy, but it went on for like an hour, which I think is a little out of hand. And it was at the tail end of a long weekend of drinking and little sleep, which means first of all let me sleep if I can finally sleep! And second, that endorphins are low, and I'm going to be grumpy and hungover, and it'll bother me a ton more than usual. And it was behind my back yet in front of me, which is really the worst...

smoot - That list is perfect, I think I'll print it out and stick it on my fridge :). I can;t tell you how many things on that list we do...

Susan - Thanks. I know that's not okay, but I also understand that in the middle of the fight, if I'm crying and yelling, and ask him to stop being mean, it's really hard to be nice to someone who is yelling at you. If we followed those rules, I don;t think ti would happen.

He came home from work very apologetic last night, and his friend was apologetic as well when we met him at the concert. I won;t gain anything by holding a grudge, so it seems like verything is resolved for now. Thanks for all your responses.
 

Sabriel

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I know what it's like living and arguing with a Taurus. My husband is a Taurus with Taurus as his rising sign! My SIL is a Taurus too. And they do hold grudges, for years if need be!

On the flip side he'll eat anything I make with that wonderous Taurian appitite of his. :)

I hope everything gets more postive for you from here on out.
 

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