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How to say no? So Frustrated with Family.

charliespet

Well-known Member
Cavy Slave
Joined
Mar 29, 2012
Messages
352
Hey, I just need some support, or to figure out if its me who's being selfish. Last year, my husband and I found out that his mother was being left alone and taken advantage of my his older sister. She has a learning diability along with severe health issues (emphazema) We found out she was eating candy and buritoes to stay alive because her daughter was spending her food stamps on her boyfirend. She also would leave her sick mother without a phone. Needless to say, we brought her 1200 miles to live with us, and found her a place with middle aged roomies who were great ppl. She ended up burning her bridge there, and has been living with us again for 8 months.

In the years before we joined the military, I had a great job and a huge, beautiful home. So, since he had a troubled family, I allowed my husbands WHOLE family to move in with me, as well as my younger sister. We had a huge finished basement, and we set up rooms for the girls, as well as school (a special school because they were drop outs) and my sister came so she could start college. My mother in law got her own room as well. When we moved into a Victorian house, I allowed all of them to come again, and even picked the house based on it's 5 bedrooms to fit everyone.

In the past, my mother in law has helped me, and she does her best to do what she can...the other girls have moved on and have lives of their own now. My mother in law just got out of ICU, and was about to go and live with her daughter since I am moving. She had to cancel her flight and now is leaving in a week, doc has cleared her for take off...:)

The problem is, my husband and I have to start moving in less than three weeks, and he is leaving my son and I for a year to go to Korea in July. That gives us a few weeks to live as a family, under the same roof with no squatters. THEN my uncle calls me, and wants me to go pick up my cousin from a mental hospital in Orlando and help her take care of her money and her house, (shes 20 and got a huge settlement but shes a little cooky) then he asked if she could stay with us and ride back with us when we move.

I am so sick of my family always turning to me and doing this. Just last month my mother wanted to park an RV in my back yard and live their for a "while" with my 10 year old brother.

I love that my family feels they can turn to me for help. I do. I'm huge on family...but when do I get to say no?
 
You get to say NO when you feel like it is too much. I feel for you. But you need to take care of yourself, son, and husband 1st. You are about to loose your husband for a whole year and that will be a huge change for your son and you. Also your own impending move out of state is stressful enough. Your plate is full, and you should not feel bad for saying no.
 
I agree with @kananaka on this one. It's great that your family trusts you and relies on you, but at the same time, you aren't running a hotel, and you have your own life to lead. If I were in your situation and didn't draw the line somewhere, I'd go nuts.
 
You're not obligated to take care of people just because they're family. You have to stand up sometimes and say no, otherwise they'll just keep going to you for help.

Helping people is nice, but you have to also think of yourself. It sounds like you've sacrificed too much for them already.

They'll find a way to pick up the pieces without you. My mother had a rule where when I turned 18, I got the boot asap. I was still in my senior year of High School( my birthday lands in October, I never got held back), never had a job before, and had nowhere to go. It really sucked at first, and I struggled quite a bit. Cutting me off was the best thing she ever did for me. When people are desperate and willing to put in effort, they can improve even in bleak circumstances. If they don't pull themselves together eventually without you, you weren't really helping them anyways. Some people prefer to be leeches.
 
I have to agree with Kananka. I have a similar situation, but not with family living with us.

They know I'm head over heels for animals (most of them don't know about my new guinea pig fettish, yet) so I have taken care of my sisters' dogs for them- college age, no place for a dog. Sadly, November 2 of last year, Star (the youngest, 3 puppies, same litter) was hit in a car accident. I was devastated.

Now, I'm dealing with the impending doom of the 2nd born, my other sister's dog Angel. She is in a miserable state and just has to be put down. It's been hard because I've had to go hunting all over the place for the paper work. I was about to tear my hair out of my head when finally I found someone in the family who knew where I could get the necessary paperwork. I'm waiting to have it looked at so I can talk to the doctor further on the matter. If that wasn't enough, I don't really feel my efforts are appreciated.

So I've decided to say "enough is enough!" If I ever watch family pets again- and I mean ever- they will have the proper paper work filed and in my hands. If I had it to do all over again, I still would have taken care of Star and Angel, because I love the girls. I just need more support myself as their guardian from the owners.

By all means give, but don't give until you have nothing left for yourself. You only have so much time left with your hubby. Enjoy your family while you can. Give yourself permission to take a break. You'll really appreciate that you did.

By the way- I don't understand the situation with your mother in law. Is she moving in with the daughter who took all her food stamps? :(
 
That sounds too harsh, MissJean. I think I would have waited until you were graduated and had a job at least. Do you still have a relationship with your Mom? :( What did you do? Go to live in a women's mission? Did you know she was going to kick you out the door? I can just imagine your bithday- all your stuff on the lawn with the note. "Happy birthday Jean. Get out."

You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Just seems a little harsh to me.
 
If it's just giving her a ride back, that's not a big deal but if it's selling her house and handling her finances, that's a little pushy. Your husband is leaving shortly, you have a son to take care of and your have to plan your move. Your family needs you and they deserve to be your priority and you should be be allowed to be theirs. I'd let your uncle step in and settle things for his daughter so you can have the few weeks to spend with your husband and son.
 
@ CittaLuvva No she's moving in with her other daughter and unlike me, they gave her a time frame where she has to be out...its hard with her because she is disabled mentally and physically, and that makes it really hard on everyone. We are trying to get her into an assisted living place. My husband is the only one with a stable job out of all 4 of her children. We have finally run out of options, and since I am moving in with my grandma for the year he is gone, I have no other choice but to tell the other kids its time to step up!
 
That sounds too harsh, MissJean. I think I would have waited until you were graduated and had a job at least. Do you still have a relationship with your Mom? :( What did you do? Go to live in a women's mission? Did you know she was going to kick you out the door? I can just imagine your bithday- all your stuff on the lawn with the note. "Happy birthday Jean. Get out."

You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Just seems a little harsh to me.

My mother is very old, and I was keeping her from retiring peacefully with her new husband.I knew I was being kicked out. I don't have any ill will towards her and we have a great relationship. I was homeless for a bit before I found work and people to board with. There's a lot of programs in certain places that help you get back on track.

I hated my mother at first. Charlie's family might be very PO'ed when she stands up to them too, but you get over it. People don't deserve being held back just because of a family obligation. Them kicking you out does not mean they don't love you. The person being kicked out might be furious, but if they love you they'll eventually come to understand the other person's perspective. People need to learn how to float on their own. Getting assistance is always nice(and there's a lot of programs in cities to help), but not at the cost of someone else's happiness.

There's girls whom are high school drop-outs,correct? Maybe you can guide them to a Job Corps program?There also might be programs in your own town(or close) that help people get a GED and work. If his mother is mentally disabled, there's also programs that can help her.
 
These people are taking advantage of you. I'd just say "This is not a good time for me, so I have to say no." PERIOD! Do not explain or apologize. You are an adult, and do not need to explain yourself. The more you try to explain, the worse it will be. Stay strong, you can do it, and you'll be glad you did.
That sounds too harsh, MissJean. I think I would have waited until you were graduated and had a job at least. Do you still have a relationship with your Mom? :( What did you do? Go to live in a women's mission? Did you know she was going to kick you out the door? I can just imagine your bithday- all your stuff on the lawn with the note. "Happy birthday Jean. Get out."
I have to agree. That was very risky. You cold have dropped out of school, and ended up a wreck of a human being. She could have waited til you were out of school. IMO.
 
My mother is very old, and I was keeping her from retiring peacefully with her new husband.I knew I was being kicked out. I don't have any ill will towards her and we have a great relationship. I was homeless for a bit before I found work and people to board with. There's a lot of programs in certain places that help you get back on track.

I hated my mother at first. Charlie's family might be very PO'ed when she stands up to them too, but you get over it. People don't deserve being held back just because of a family obligation. Them kicking you out does not mean they don't love you. The person being kicked out might be furious, but if they love you they'll eventually come to understand the other person's perspective. People need to learn how to float on their own. Getting assistance is always nice(and there's a lot of programs in cities to help), but not at the cost of someone else's happiness.

There's girls whom are high school drop-outs,correct? Maybe you can guide them to a Job Corps program?There also might be programs in your own town(or close) that help people get a GED and work. If his mother is mentally disabled, there's also programs that can help her.

I give you a lot of credit for being so understanding. I could never understand how a mother could choose a new man in her life over her kids. My kids are young adults but still live at home. My daughter is a college grad with a good job and my son is in college. It's no burden to us to have them at home with us until they're established in their careers.
 
Thanks for the comments...I agree, its just hard to say no to family, but I am tired of my family always coming second. Then everyone has a comment on our lives, telling us we just want to control mother in law's money...(that one came from the daughter who uses her) and getting called "*&^% heads" for telling her we think she needs to be in assited living. And told we are unfair. My mom is angry that we are choosing to go to Italy, tells us we shouldn't make everything about us, etc...yet no one raises a finger to help when my mother in law went into ICU. (except my grandmother who offered to raise a fund to get her kids to be able to see her.) So far since I've known my mother in law, I've helped her get life insurance, fix her will, (her careless daughter sponged 30,000 out of her last settlement leaving her broke.) I've let her live with me for a total of 3 years, and spent hours up with her talking her through her troubles, as well as the other two younger girls. I'm exhausted and I honestly blv the last thing I need is my crazy cousin in my house.

She is mentally ill, and will throw things out like make up and clothes and perfume because she gets paranoid God will think we are vain. (part of her disorder,) she also has rages and fits and steals, even though she has money. She's also prone to wandering searching for ppl to "help" I just don't think I could handle it.
 
My mother is very old, and I was keeping her from retiring peacefully with her new husband.I knew I was being kicked out. I don't have any ill will towards her and we have a great relationship. I was homeless for a bit before I found work and people to board with. There's a lot of programs in certain places that help you get back on track.

I hated my mother at first. Charlie's family might be very PO'ed when she stands up to them too, but you get over it. People don't deserve being held back just because of a family obligation. Them kicking you out does not mean they don't love you. The person being kicked out might be furious, but if they love you they'll eventually come to understand the other person's perspective. People need to learn how to float on their own. Getting assistance is always nice(and there's a lot of programs in cities to help), but not at the cost of someone else's happiness.

There's girls whom are high school drop-outs,correct? Maybe you can guide them to a Job Corps program?There also might be programs in your own town(or close) that help people get a GED and work. If his mother is mentally disabled, there's also programs that can help her.
WOW that is crazy. I couldn't kick out my daughter, but koodos to you for being so understanding! I agree tho, its time for me to say no. I don't have a problem going to pick her up out of the insitution, and helping her buy a plane ticket to her mother's but other than that I'm going to say no...this is our last tme together and we have a lot of things to do, and we need this time.
 
@pinky also, the girls are now on their own. There are 3 in all, and the oldest is the one who takes advantage of her mother, she lives with her boyfriend and is almost 30...the other one is 21 and moved out of our house to live with her boyfriend when she was 18. Now she lives with friends after her relationship crumbled. The youngest didn't finish the school we put her into either...she moved out and in with a 30 year old man and had a baby. So they are all living their own lives and we have commited to not bringing in any more "needies" except for visits only...it hasn't ever turned out well for me, or for my husband.
 
Thanks for the comments...I agree, its just hard to say no to family, but I am tired of my family always coming second. Then everyone has a comment on our lives, telling us we just want to control mother in law's money...(that one came from the daughter who uses her) and getting called "*&^% heads" for telling her we think she needs to be in assited living. And told we are unfair. My mom is angry that we are choosing to go to Italy, tells us we shouldn't make everything about us, etc...yet no one raises a finger to help when my mother in law went into ICU. (except my grandmother who offered to raise a fund to get her kids to be able to see her.) So far since I've known my mother in law, I've helped her get life insurance, fix her will, (her careless daughter sponged 30,000 out of her last settlement leaving her broke.) I've let her live with me for a total of 3 years, and spent hours up with her talking her through her troubles, as well as the other two younger girls. I'm exhausted and I honestly blv the last thing I need is my crazy cousin in my house.

She is mentally ill, and will throw things out like make up and clothes and perfume because she gets paranoid God will think we are vain. (part of her disorder,) she also has rages and fits and steals, even though she has money. She's also prone to wandering searching for ppl to "help" I just don't think I could handle it.

It sounds like she could pose a risk to your son and I wouldn't be willing to risk that. Why doesn't your uncle get her into a group home for people with mental disabilities? He could be her legal guardian and manage her money from wherever he lives but at least she would be living in a place that could tend to her needs.
 
BTW, I am only 25, which made it harder for the girls, because I was having to act as their mother, setting curfews and staying up nights giving advice about guys, making sure they took birth control, did their home work, had good friends and I can tell you, wrangling 2 teenagers and fighting with my sister to pay her bills and keeping their boyfriends from climbing through the basement windows was a very stressful way to start my marriage!
 
WOW that is crazy. I couldn't kick out my daughter, but koodos to you for being so understanding! I agree tho, its time for me to say no. I don't have a problem going to pick her up out of the insitution, and helping her buy a plane ticket to her mother's but other than that I'm going to say no...this is our last tme together and we have a lot of things to do, and we need this time.

Good for you! I wish you and your family the best. My Dad is retired military so I know how the absence goes, but a year will pass quickly, and with the internet (skype, web cams, etc..) it is so much easier and cheaper to stay in contact :cheerful:. Keep us posted on your situation.
 
It sounds like she could pose a risk to your son and I wouldn't be willing to risk that. Why doesn't your uncle get her into a group home for people with mental disabilities? He could be her legal guardian and manage her money from wherever he lives but at least she would be living in a place that could tend to her needs.
The problem is that he is a traveling roofer, trying to start his business and the girls mother and him are divorced and hateful towards eachother and never seem to be on the same page. Her mother insists she doesn't need that, and rears her ugly head whenever someone offers to be gaurdian over her...my aunt lives a stable life with no children. She raised me as a teen, and offered to help my cousin, but there was so much drama, my cousin burned that bridge. She is a danger to herself and others. Mentally ill ppl to her degree do need constant care. I don't even know why they are realesing her from the hospital.
 
Good for you! I wish you and your family the best. My Dad is retired military so I know how the absence goes, but a year will pass quickly, and with the internet (skype, web cams, etc..) it is so much easier and cheaper to stay in contact :cheerful:. Keep us posted on your situation.
Thanks, yeah, we planned our lives this way, and I am excited to get to Italy away from all the drama and expectations. My parents are all against everything we do, and finally, finally, we will be able to live without their dissapointment breathng down our necks. I will keep you all updated! Thanks so much for your concern and support!
 
Thanks, yeah, we planned our lives this way, and I am excited to get to Italy away from all the drama and expectations. My parents are all against everything we do, and finally, finally, we will be able to live without their dissapointment breathng down our necks. I will keep you all updated! Thanks so much for your concern and support!

It will be fantastic I bet. I loved being a military brat. Dad is a retired Major (Army). I hope you all flourish there, and get a much needed break!
 
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