Goodbye, Artemis...

This is the single hardest post I have ever had to make.

Artemis passed away at just gone 10.30 this morning.

We tried introductions yesterday. It went wrong. Artemis and Luna turned on one another and got into a vicious fight. By the time I got in there, the damage was done. Artemis had a huge gash down her face. We went straight to the emergency vets, where she had to be put under anaesthetic to be sewn up. She was up and walking about when we brought her home. But she deteriorated through the night.

We took her to be hospitalised this morning. Left her at the vets at 10. Walked through the door at about 10.25. At 10.30 I got the call. She had passed in her carrier while they were arranging her hospital cage. They opened it up and she was gone.

The vet surmised the wound had damage her airway. She had rattly breathing. When I got her out to bury her, there was fluid coming from her nostril.

She died because I put her at risk. I did everything I though was right, everything I had done for introductions successfully so many times before. Neutral space, large space, vegetables, clean hideys that smelled of no-one. I never in my deepest nightmares imagined Artemis and Luna would turn on one another.

I feel an abject failure. A monster. I took this little girl in -promising- her a better life. Now she's dead. There are no words to describe what I am feeling. I can't explain the remorse and the anger and regret and self loathing. It was so fast, it was seconds, I was up the second it started. But the damage was done.

I let her down so deeply. I feel I do not deserve to have my remaining girls.

Luna is hurt too. She has two bite wounds. She's on baytril and we are cleaning them with salt water. I am terrified they will abscess. She is very quiet right now. She is not coming to greet me like she normally does. She's eating, but hiding to eat. She's just hiding. I don't know how to help her. I daren't try introductions again. I don't want anyone else to be hurt. But I am terrified she is going to become depressed.

I feel broken. I feel such a terrible person. Four weeks. That's all we had. Four weeks. And she was doing so well. I had got her weight up to 900g. She loved to be cuddled. She let me stroke her in the cage without running away. She sat on my had while I spot cleaned.

Part of me feels like I should surrender them. I should get Luna well, make sure her wounds are healed, then give them up to someone else who can keep them safe. I would be miserable without them, but what's happened makes me doubt myself so deeply I do not feel as if I can be trusted with them.

Four weeks. It's so cruel. I never thought for a second she and Luna would fight. Not for a second. It must have been the stress and the fear.

Everyone said on their Intro thread that I was such a good piggy mum, that I rescued them and that they would have such a good life with me. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

I'm so frightened for Luna. So frightened. I have no idea what I am going to do for her.

I have Artemis' coat all over me. It's all stuck on my clothes. I can't get it off.

I feel so broken.


Her final resting place is pictured below. The rose bush in there is called a Blue Moon. We picked this one because the name Artemis comes from the Greek moon goddess. She is my patron goddess and our Artemis' name was very special and important. We chose it because she was special enough to warrant it...