Being Vegetarian or your Partner.

[Fay]

Well I told my boyfriend that I'm vegetarian and he flipped out. He was very angry saying being vegetarian is stupid. I have to pick between being vegetarian or be with him.

What should I do?

[Terekins]

Hi Fay!
My boyfriend was the biggest reason I did not become vegetarian sooner. He would say "if you do that I'm out of here". I couldn't understand how he could feel so strongly about something that I saw as positive, and something that I thought was personal. It also bothered me that he didn't consider my happiness first.
I see now that he had bad associations with vegetarians, having been around "pushy" and self righteous vegetarians in the past. I also see that he was really afraid I was changing, and doing it without him.
I decided that I had to stop eating meat, and deep down I think I knew he would adapt once he saw that I was the same person, was doing it responsibly, and was happier and more at peace that way. I slowly (without bringing up the subject again) began buying my own groceries, and making small changes to avoid/replace meat. To my surprise he grumbled but did not get angry, and eventually (over a month or so) began helping me at the grocery store, and trying to make vegetarian chili and so on.
It was like walking on egg shells at first, I admit. I didn't talk about my not eating meat unless he brought it up first, I didn't mention the things I was reading about factory farming etc, I made a point to keep cooking the things he liked for him, meat included. But I had to be strong, and not let someone else make this important decision for me.
Once he realized this wasn't a fad, I was going to remain the same person I was before, and that we could still eat together, enjoy the same foods together, things were fine...until I decided to become vegan! But that is working out too.
It's important to consider how he feels and to recognize that it is scary, it does really affect him. But you do have to take care of yourself, and if becoming a vegetarian is better for you mentally and physically you need to do it.
Tere

[bleachmiracle]

I think when a lot of people hear the word vegeterian they want to run away in fear. It's amazing how many people will bring up the subject, and then get defensive even when you haven't said anything to push your views on to them. I'm not going to say dump your boyfriend and move on like you might end up hearing from some people, but I would just ask him to respect your decision. Don't force him into being a vegeterian, but eat what YOU want to.

His reaction may also be out of concern for your health. "You're a vegeterian? But how will you get your protein?" My boyfriend is constantly worrying that I am not eating everything that I need to so I will occasionally point out the ways I am getting a balanced diet through the day.

My best advice would be to just calmly talk to him about why he feels it is "stupid." If he doesn't have a reason than his argument is definitly not worth listening to.

[Fay]

Sadly he's comparing it to being Christian and that he could never be with someone who doesn't share his views. When I told him that I was Vegetarian he went furious, first ignored me and then I asked what the big deal was and why it was so horrible he turned around and said with the most disgusted and appalled face that being vegetarian is DUMB, he said the last word as if he was going to throw up. I was completely shocked by his reaction.

He says that it's selfish of me to not think of when we go out to dinner or to his parents that everyone has to take me in consideration. That if we ever get kids that "mommy doesn't it meat" as if I would embarrass them by being vegetarian.

We had a long fight about a whole lot of things and my friends said it sounds as if I'm in an mentally abusive relationship as he's so controlling and belittling calling me stupid and abnormal. Sadly I'm stuck here and I'm so doubtful on what to do as I do really love him.

I need to find a job so I can afford my own place if I eventually decide to get out as I don't have a steady or large enough income. I don't want to give up my guinea pigs either naturally. I don't have friends or family I can stay at or ask for help regarding finances. So if someone here has a nice job offer for me that isn't too stressful (Because of my mental state: Depression and Anxieties) then please let me know. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

[JarBax]

Definitely getting a job, therefore becoming more independant, will make a huge difference to your self esteem.

Having been on my own for years, I can vouch for the single life - where you live by your own beliefs, ethics and moral decisions. However, you have chosen a life with this man, whom you love, and I presume, want to continue making your life with.

Some men do seem to need time to process new ideas, allowing the information to 'trickle through' before being able to process it reasonably. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he needs a bit of time to come to terms with the fact that his girlfriend has ideas different to his own - I imagine he is seeing your vegetarianism as a bit of a threat at the moment.

On the other hand, if your friends are telling you that he is controlling and belittling you - and deep down inside you know this is true - then either you need to be strong enough to confront him on this, or decide that you would rather not continue in this relationship, and make arrangements for your own wellbeing - elsewhere.

None of which will happen overnight. I suggest that time is on your side - and you carefully monitor your own gut reactions and feelings to the situation - and do what is best for you.

With very best wishes and hugs - life is not easy, when we chose to learn from it's experiences!

[smartorl]

For years I lived under a "veil of secrecy", I would tell people that I didn't eat meat, not that I was a vegetarian because my ex would flip out. It wasn't about what I ate, it was about control pure and simple. I think it was just something to react to. What started out seemingly innocent enough, because him freaking out over everything that he was not the center of to name a few, the color and cut of my hair, the music I listened to, the car I drove, the money I spent, the job I had and so on. People grow and when they do they try new things, that is a natural part of life, please don't let a controlling partner limit your growth, trust me. If you give ground on this issue, you may as well just lay down and be a doormat. If he is rational, maybe take a quiet moment to discuss why you feel the way you do and why this is important to you, if that doesn't work, you may have some sizeable choices to make. Remember the same man that will control you and basically abuse you mentally will do the same thing to his children, so it is much better to get it all out in the open as soon as it rears it's ugly head. Try and a find a job, even if there is not alot of money because a little distance can give you a whole lot of perspective. I would strongly reccomend setting back a few dollars each week out of your grocery budget if neccessary for an emergency. Not to be mean but being a veggie isn't inconsiderate, if I am going to a non-veggie bar-b-que, I pack dishes that I like to share with others and you would be surprised how many people really dig into it!

[PiggieMamaKelly]

Talk about controlling! I would really reconsider being with a partner like this. It isn't so much about the subject of vegetarianism, but the principle of him trying to control your choices. When someone tries to micro-manage your life like that I find it to be a red flag. Look for a job so you have the ability to make this choice.

[Res Judicata]

Originally Posted by Fay

Sadly he's comparing it to being Christian and that he could never be with someone who doesn't share his views. When I told him that I was Vegetarian he went furious, first ignored me and then I asked what the big deal was and why it was so horrible he turned around and said with the most disgusted and appalled face that being vegetarian is DUMB, he said the last word as if he was going to throw up.

I'm sorry he's being so closed-minded about things. It's not that big of a deal. Controlling people can be dangerous; I've been in that situation and they will mirco-manage every aspect of your life. Please think about your situation and if it's worth it, or if it would be better to get out before things escalate.

[Terekins]

How are things going now, Fay? People sometimes say ridiculous and extremely hurtful things when they're feeling threatened; I hope he has come around a bit. Or perhaps this has been a blessing in disguise, since now you can see a different side of him.

Regardless, it sounds like it's time for a big change in your life. It sounds like you know what you want, you just need to make plans to get there. I agree that getting a job is extremely important. Being dependent on someone, especially someone who doesn't support you, is not a good thing. Being a team and being subordinate/superior to each other are completely different situations.

Anyway, you have our support
Tere

[smileyface cavy]

Go with what you feel is right. If vegetarianism is very important to you, DO IT. I say, If a man can't be okay with and support your choices, he isn't worth having.