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Originally Posted by MissFormosa  Yep, instead of the traditional restraints, now they are chemical (well, I have had some of the traditional restraints, but they don't use them as frequently as they would have in the past). I was a zombie for the longest time until they got my meds right. I couldn't feel happy or sad, just alive but not really living. I still don't feel that great about it. I feel like my meds affect my ability to be creative.  Which is a difficult pill to swallow (my pun was intended) when I wanna go to fashion school so bad. |
Absolutely! I've never had to deal with restraints. I've had to deal with people holding me, but never being tied down for medical reasons. Either way I think it's totally barbaric.
You know, since I was finally convinced to start taking meds, I lost every ounce of creativity I ever had. I know what you mean about feeling like a zombie. For me, I felt like I was dead. I felt as though I died a long time ago, and I was waiting for my body to catch up. A total chemical lobotomy. I dealt with it in ways that I don't want to be too specific about, as I know young ones come on this forum and I don't want to give them ideas, but there was and still is a lot of self damage. I don't do it for the typical reasons, but I guess that doesn't matter. Everyone wants me to think or feel that I'm doing something wrong, when I see it as the second coping skill that works for me.
I will tell you that the last time I was hospitalized was this April. The attending psychiatrist listened to me and put me on a combination that I knew would work for me. I've been on it since and my regular pdoc agreed to keep me on it. Gradually I've noticed a difference. The past couple of months have been better. I'm not having as many bad days and my creativity is starting to come back. It's nothing like it was and I know I can never get that person back, but I feel like maybe that's okay. Maybe I wasn't meant to be that person. I don't know. Just...really,
keep your head up. If you disagree with a medication or if you know it's not working, tell your pdoc. It has been such a long road to go down for this result. While I'd rather be pushing out paintings like nobody's business, I can't. I have to be patient with myself and I think you should do the same.
We deserve to allow ourselves forgiveness.